The Second Most Important Question of Your Life!

The question is, not “how bad do you want it?”, but “how you would like to suffer?”. Kind of. Sorta.

I remember the moment so clearly. I was standing at the desk with 3 patients needing my attention; a to-do list as long as my arm; and my mobile phone started to ring. It was one of my kids - she sobbed uncontrollably on the other end of the phone. She was exhausted, broken and in need of me; and here I was stuck at work.

Mark Manson's blog post: The Most Important Question of Your Life is a piece of brilliance. It really does clarify what it takes to succeed in every aspect of your life. It is not about the end result, but whether you are willing to endure the journey to get there. How would you like your suffering served?

It also has one major flaw. Not all of us are journeying on our own; and when you are a primary caregiver (let’s be honest, 95% of the time, this mean “mother”), you have to ask a second question: How would I like my kids to suffer?

Here is my shameful confession:

I was willing to suffer a LOT to be a successful business woman. It played a significant part in the ending of my 17 year relationship. I was willing to ditch my commitments to my friend and her business. I pulled out on supporting a woman in birth. I gave up my hobbies. I stopped being there when my kids desperately needed me.

But that phone call was a catalyst for me to see that it wasn’t just about me suffering - it was about all those that I made suffer with me. It was my blind selfishness that made me think that they would thank me in the long run, without ever asking if they were OK with suffering for my goals.

Giving the dream away has been another form of suffering. I lost a huge amount of capital; I lost my income; I lost my sister; but I have also lost watching my kids suffer for my dream.

So I give you the second most important question of your life: Have you asked your loved ones how they would like their suffering served?

Shame-damaged

You feel the blood rush to your face. Your hands are shaking, and your heart tries to beat itself out of your chest. Tears prickle your eyes. You pray for the ground to open up and swallow you whole. Everyone is looking at you and thinking you are an oxygen thief, a waste of space, abhorrent, disgusting.

We have all experienced shame at some stage in our lives. These moments etch themselves deeply into our brains, scarring us to the core. Nothing has as damaging an impact on our psyche than a severe public shaming. Particularly if it has been performed by a parent.

Shaming; a part of the parenting toolbox

Shaming; both in its obvious and subtle forms, have been a staple in the parenting toolbox since time immemorial. It can be on the outrageous global scale, like those poor kids in the “Get along” shirt posted to Facebook; or it could be a case of bringing up an indiscretion in front of the whole family, instead of in private. I am sure all of us have been on both sides of this scenario in some way, so can relate in one way or another. As the parent it can appear to have the desired effect - it creates such discomfort in a child they are less likely to repeat the behavior… while in your presence anyway. But what does it actually teach kids?

Some of the lessons learned from a public shaming are:

• It is socially acceptable, and often even celebrated, for adults to act like bullies. 
• That they need to perform in a way that you see as acceptable with out understanding the “why”.
•  To lie.
• To justify their behavior.
• That they are awful people undeserving of love, or even inherently evil; so they have no control, or desire to behave appropriately.
• How to be a narcissist.
• To fear judgment of themselves as a person when there is criticism, or discussion to the contrary of their beliefs.

Why shame does so much damage

The reason shaming is so deeply damaging is that we are, at heart, social creatures. For millennia, we have relied on our tribes and villages to survive. If we are ousted by the group, we are completely vulnerable to starvation, or attack from wild animals. When we are shamed, we are told we aren’t good enough to be part of the tribe; and this hits our deepest, most primal fears. If everyone hates us, we could die.

It is understood that at the core of many mental health problems like depression, anxiety, PTSD, self-harm, and eating disorders; shame is often a powerful underlying issue. Sometimes, this is self imposed and other times, the message has come from elsewhere. But either way, the result is the same.

Damaged people aren’t shameless; damaged people are mortified.

There exists the idea that people that commit horrendous crimes, murders, assaults and rapes, are completely without shame; but that is often a simplification of what has really gone on in their psyche. Damaged people have often been shamed so often and so deeply in their formative years, that they believe deep down, they are inherently evil and cannot change. They are without shame - they often describe themselves as being without feelings at all. Our strongest word for shame is “mortified”. Is it any wonder when the severely shamed feel dead inside?

Hard core criminals are not the only ones we witness with shame issues - some of the most obvious ones are internet trolls and vigilantes. Not just those that set out to be nasty, but also those that take offense to anything that sits out of their world view.

I see this so often in parenting circles - if I said I was a breastfeeding/ homebirthing/non-circumcising/non-spanking/co-sleeping/etc. mother in the public sphere, it would only be a matter of time before a person who has been deeply shamed in childhood, will start trying to explain why what you have said is offensive, judgmental, dangerous or wrong. The further a view sits from the mainstream, the more vitriolic the comments become. “If other people believe 'x' over what I have done, which is 'y', then they are going to think I am not good enough.”

Offense becomes the best defense, and a shaming is incredibly contagious. We see people becoming more and more polarized and dogmatic, as each view-holder pours shame on those that think differently. All the while, feeling more justified in their outrage and worldview.

When I read about the Benjamin Franklin effect - which is the idea that “we like people we do nice things for, and we dislike people we treat poorly; not the other way around” - I instantly saw how being “programmed” by shame would create this situation. Shame has taught you to hate the people you have wronged - we see this time and again with bigotry, misogyny and homophobia.

What can we do?

As I mentioned, we all walk around with our own experiences of being shamed - some of our wounds are deeper than others'. Every person you have ever interacted with, carries around the same hurt you have had; and the more abhorrent you think they are, the deeper that scar runs. There is an antidote to shame; but those that need it most, are the ones we are generally the most reluctant to give it to; especially if it is ourselves. The antidote to the shame-damaged is compassion and empathy.

Two women who have used this technique successfully* are MaryBeard and Cindy Gallop**.

When it comes down to it; you have a choice to play a part in healing both yourself, and our terribly broken society.

• Treat your kids as raw materials - they are just learning their place in the world. Teach, guide and explain, without shaming.
• Take the time to examine your own history and feelings when it comes to shame and feeling judgment. Look on with empathy and compassion for yourselves as you contemplate ideas that challenge your belief systems.
• Look for the shame damage in those that attack or wrong you. Remember that you don’t hold any responsibility for their wound - you aren’t the troll whisperer, but empathy is never wrong. They still are that shamed toddler.
• You can hold people to account for their actions while still maintaining compassion and empathy, rather than shame.
•  Walking away to protect yourself can be an act of compassion.

* Both took the conversation to a private space so as not to add to the public shaming.

** Loc 375 "Make Love, Not Porn" by Cindy Gallop

An Open Letter to Michelle Bridges

Dear Michelle Bridges,

I woke up in the middle of the night and you came into my head. Not in a creepy way, but I wondered if you were awake. If you were feeling that horrible deep anxiety of someone who has just been blasted with vitriol and hate across all platforms of social media. I thought about your wee belly-babe being soaked in cortisol and adrenalin and it made me feel appalled at what we have become.

In honesty, I am not a fan. I disagree with you on a scientific and philosophical level about how you have applied your obvious passion for wanting to help people. I am a high fat, low carb, non-processed food eating kind of person and yes, I even have veggies and edible natives in my garden. But, to see the ugliness that has been thrown at you made me want to say that I am sorry.

The video that was put out by Woolies was so poorly thought out that it looked like an idea put forward by the work experience kid who happened to stumble into the marketing department. Considering they spent $18.8M in the first quarter of this year on advertising, am I right in guessing that this was put forward by their marketing department and not written by you personally?

If so, how nice of Woolworths to throw a pregnant woman under the bus of social media vigilantes!

And if not, and this was your campaign to sell your brand of TV dinners, maybe running the idea past a few more people might have been a good idea. But regardless of that, I pretty sure that every person who has sent you a message of hate has said or typed something stupid in their lives. It just happens that your faux pas is very public. He who is without stupid can post the first trolling comment?

As a former birthworker and a mother of four, I hope Steve and your friends are there to hold the space for you right now as this type of shit feels so much worse when you are pregnant. I hope you are able to debrief your feelings around this and let it go before you come into birth.

As a foodie and a movement enthusiast, I would invite you over for dinner to happily and respectfully debate lifestyle, fat-shaming, health, fitness, hormones, circadian rhythms and all other topics where both our passions lie.

As a person, I just want to say I am sorry and I hope you are OK.

Claire Chapman

Emotional Consent part 2. (Graphic Content Warning)

This blog post can now be found at: http://teenboyguide.blogspot.com.au/2015/10/emotional-consent-part-2.html

Wasted. A review of this weeks 4corners.

What do you do when you wake up at 3am and your beloved heads off for a super early run? That is right watch something on iView. This week it was a Four Corners episode on money wasted with our Medicare and Private Health Insurance systems.

I have a number of thoughts on it, the first is "Derrrrr! Look at the shocked look on my face. We are wasting money on health?” OK, so now we have the childishness out of the way, here are some real thoughts.

Fee for service is a problem, it always has been it all ways will be. I remember my dentist explaining to me why he doesn't charge "per procedure" and how charging adequately for his time only meant he was being paid to educate his patients to keep their teeth healthy for life rather than relying on expensive procedures like root canals to keep his doors open.

Dentistry is one of the worst industries for creating work for themselves. Very low cost check ups or scale and cleans often lead to follow up visits for major work.  Some of this follow up is completely justified, but some of it is unnecessary or even the result of damage the dentist has done. Most dentist don’t spend the time during the initial visit teaching their patients how to clean and floss effectively and other ways they can keep their teeth healthy for life. If they did this using a fee for service model, they could not afford to keep their practices open.

The same can be said for surgery. When surgeons are only paid adequately for performing surgery they are going to recommend more complicated procedures more often than not. But it is not just about the money.

Surgeons go into their chosen field because they like surgery. It is a skill and an art form. Would you study fine art for 10 years to spend your days colouring-in? Or go to the Australian Institute of Sport just to be able to kick a soccer ball around with your 4 year old? The attraction is not just money, but the allure of being able to practise your art. And like other skill sets, use it or you lose it. Here is where it becomes a problem. When you actually need surgery, you want a skilled surgeon or you are less likely to have a good outcome. But this doesn’t justify throwing others under the unnecessary surgery bus just to keep the doctors skills up.

When all you have in your tool box is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Medicine has 2 tools, drugs or surgery.

Chronic pain has never been caused by a pain medication deficiency and most of the time surgery is more than just unhelpful, it can cause more issues, more pain and less mobility. Modern medicine is fantastic for some things. This is the life saving stuff; treatment after serious accidents, organ transplants and antibiotics for life-threatening infections. This is their strong suit. What they don’t do well is getting you back to good health.

Barring antibiotics, there is not a single medication that is designed to treat the CAUSE of a disease, they are all aimed at treating symptoms. The same is the case for a lot of surgery.

Let’s take hip replacement surgery for example. You have a dodgy  right hip, as you age it gets worse. Your doctor sends you to an Orthopedic surgeon who says yep, it is bone on bone and worn out because you are getting old, let’s replace the joint with a pretty titanium one. But is it age that is the “cause”? I am pretty certain your left hip is exactly the same age, so that doesn’t add up. The worn out joint is only a symptom of an underlying imbalance, it is not the cause of your hip pain.

This is a problem that is far greater than what was covered in 4Corners. It is not isolated to orthopaedic and cardiology departments. Oncology is a huge one and obstetrics is enormous. Marsden Wagner wrote about how modern obstetric practices cost a shit load of money and do not positively impact mortality and morbidity rates for babies and definitely do negatively impact mortality and morbidity rates of mothers. The more money we spend, the more tests, the more interventions the worse the outcomes for babies and mums. This is not new, Pursuing The Birth Machine was written in 1994 yet we keep going down this path. 

The wasted money is only a small aspect of the fee for service model. It is costing lives. Every surgery has risks associated with it; this includes death and paralysis. Yet even complicated back surgeries are dismissed with the word “routine.”

What can YOU do?

If you want to live a healthy, pain-free life into old age? Eat real food in season, move your body in all the ways, observe circadian rhythms (light, dark, cold, hot), nurture great relationships, look after your gut flora and your nervous system. You cannot rely on doctors to fix a lifetime of shitty lifestyle choices with a pill or a procedure.

You can make decisions BEFORE you have a problem. When you are in chronic pain or a serious health crisis, a lot of the time all you can think of is what is the quickest way to get out of this place. You become hyper-rational about what options you have. So when a doctor says, this procedure has a 40% success rate, you are going to put yourself in that category because you want so desperately to stop being in pain or sick. You will down play risks and put more weight on benefits. It is just the way we are. Think about what your plan of action could be if you are faced with a health crisis. Once that is done, you might never have to think about it again, but it will be like a piece of health insurance for future you.

When offered any suggestions about your health, use BRAIN:

What are the Benefits?

What are the Risks?

What are the Alternatives?

What does my Intuition say?

What happens if I do Nothing?

Talk about the answers to these questions with someone you trust. Get some perspectives. But whatever you do, don’t feel that you need to follow the same path as everyone else.