Claire’s Super-f*cking-food Crackers (TMX recipe)

Ingredients:

240g Raw buckwheat

1 sheet of Nori

1 Tbs Dulse flakes

10gm dried shiitake mushrooms

1 heaped Tbs of super greens powder

1 heaped tsp(10 capsules – opened of course) of sulforaphane (broccoli sprout extract)

1 tbs miso paste

½ tsp baking powder

1 tbs whole linseeds

20gm MCT oil

120mL water

Salt to taste.

Method:

1. Get all your ingredients out so they take up as much space on the bench as possible. Forget to preheat your oven to 180C
2. Throw buckwheat, nori, dulse and mushrooms into your dry (no really, it is important) thermy bowl. Whizz on speed 9 for 30 seconds. Immediately remove the lid so that a cloud of powder can invade your respiratory tract.
3. Throw in all the other ingredients.
4. Stop toddler from throwing coffee grounds all over the stack of clean dishes on the sink.
5. Remember that you haven’t preheated your oven. Go and turn it on now.
6.  Finish throwing all the other ingredients into the bowl.
7. Put blades on reverse mode, you don’t want to chop up your linseeds.
8. Blend on speed 3 for 1 minute.
   
   

   

   Green, isn't it!

9.  Feed the cat and get the naked toddler off the bench
10. Peek at the mix through the hole in the lid, if it is too crumbly slowly add water until it clumps together in big balls.
11. (optional) add too much water and listen to the engine struggle and whine as a thick green paste appears.
12. Get out as many baking trays as you can be arsed to find. I generally use 3.
13. Give toddler the dustpan and broom to sweep up the coffee grounds and garlic skins he has pulled out of the compost bucket
14. Mmmm, more coffee would be good… stay on task!
15. Divide your dough into as many equalish pieces as you have trays, even if the trays are different sizes.
16. Kneed your first piece and roll it into a ball. Plonk it on a sheet of baking paper.
17. Roll out your ball using a second piece of baking paper to cover the dough. Remember that with out gluten, this baby is going to be a bitch to work with.
18. Your dough should now look like something out of an ink-blot test. Can you see the life you had pre-kids in it?

    

    The linseeds spell out "This is what your life is reduced to."

19. Cut around the edges and try to fill in the gaps with the scraps.  The perfect trapezium will look like it will fit beautifully into the tray, but give you the satisfaction of one edge curling up the side.
20. Either play lego or tap your feet to the discordant cacophony of your kid screaming because the pieces won’t go together for him.
    
21. Place your dough in the pan and using a butter knife, roughly cut it into cracker sizes. If you have more than one child make sure no two crackers are the same size.

    

    Perfect!

22. Crack a little salt on it, press it down and throw it in the oven.
23. Rinse and repeat for the other two batches.
24. Remove coffee grounds from between your toes and wash your hands
25. Yes, now wash the toddlers hands too.
26. Wipe up after the tsunami that ensued from hand washing.
27. Your crackers will take about 15-20mins to bake, but check them every ½ hour.
28. Turn them out onto a wire rack once they look kinda kahki in colour.
29.  Drink all the wine even if it is only 7am.

A couple of helpful hints:

Chose a day when the temperature is above 30 and you have no air conditioning, this will make the dough just a little harder to work with.

Put you crackers in the oven and then try putting the toddler down for a sleep. You will burn them all, but you will get plenty of practice making them.

Add too much oil for a super crumbly cracker. It will make sweeping the floor worth it.

Leave the edges ragged if you have an OCD or ASD kid. It will add a new layer of fun to getting them to eat them.